I hate crowds.
I hate waiting in lines. I hate crawling through traffic. I hate arriving somewhere only to discover that it’s packed with people and everything requires a wait.
Of course, nobody particularly enjoys these things. But I think I hate them a bit more than the average person… and I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why these situations get under my skin so easily.
At the end of the day, I think it’s the feeling of being trapped, being stuck in a busy place or a situation I can’t control or easily escape.
It’s a kind of social claustrophobia.
When that feeling hits, a minor inconvenience can start to feel like an emergency. My body gets tense. My patience disappears. And the moment takes up far more space in my brain than it deserves.
The 10-10-10 Rule
For me, that’s where the 10-10-10 rule comes in.
When I feel myself getting overheated, irritated, or emotionally swept up in a moment, I ask myself three questions:
- Will I care about this in 10 minutes?
- Will I care about this in 10 hours?
- Will I care about this in 10 days?
That’s it.
The questions don’t make the traffic move faster or shorten the line. They don’t tell me that I’m wrong for feeling frustrated. They simply help me put the moment back into perspective.
- Maybe I’ll still care in 10 minutes, but by tonight it’ll barely register.
- Maybe it really will affect the rest of my day, but after a good night’s sleep it’ll be forgotten.
- And occasionally, the answer is yes… I’ll care about this in 10 days, which tells me that the situation may deserve my attention and emotion.
Importantly, the point of this exercise isn’t to get me to stop caring. It’s to help me care proportionately.
Why It Works
The beauty of the 10-10-10 rule is that it’s simple, easy to remember, and rooted in a well-established psychological idea: changing our perspective can change the intensity of what we feel.
When we’re emotionally activated, the present moment can feel enormous. Our attention narrows around whatever is wrong, and a temporary discomfort begins to feel like the only thing that matters in the world.
The 10-10-10 rule creates distance.
By imagining how the situation might feel later, we step outside the intensity of right now and view it from a wider perspective. Psychologists call this temporal distancing.
From that distance, “I’m trapped and this is unbearable” can become “I’m uncomfortable, but this is temporary.”
Sometimes, for me, it even becomes: “This will probably be funny later.”
The three questions also break the cycle of getting more and more worked up. They give us a moment to slow down, take a breath, and choose what we want to do next instead of letting the intensity of the feeling choose for us.
And when we have very little control (e.g., sitting in traffic, waiting for a restroom, or trying to board a chaotic train) that pause gives us something important back: a sense of choice.
We may not control the crowd, the traffic, or the wait. But we can decide how much of our energy the moment deserves.
Beyond Traffic and Crowded Spaces
I started using the 10-10-10 rule for traffic, long lines, crowded spaces, and all the other moments that trigger that trapped feeling for me.
But over time, I began using it everywhere.
A frustrating email. An awkward interaction. A careless comment. A mistake I couldn’t stop replaying. The kinds of moments that can hijack an afternoon or keep us awake long after they’re over.
The rule helps me separate what feels urgent from what’s actually important, and it’s allowed me to enjoy so much more of my life. I may still get frustrated by traffic, a long line, or an overly-crowded event… but with this rule, I’m able to recognize the feeling and let it go much more easily than I ever could before.
So it’s much rarer now that social claustrophobia ruins a concert, travel, or a day at an amusement park with my family, and that’s a true gift.
Try It This Week
So next time you feel your internal temperature rising, pause and ask:
- Will I care about this in 10 minutes?
- Will I care about this in 10 hours?
- Will I care about this in 10 days?
You don’t have to talk yourself out of what you’re feeling. You don’t have to pretend the moment isn’t frustrating, uncomfortable, or difficult.
Just give yourself the chance to see it at its actual size.
~ Jamey
Your Friendly Next Door Neuroscientist
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